Once again it has been MONTHS since I've written. Honestly, it's been almost a year. I'M SUCH A TERRIBLE BLOGGER! That being said, this year has been monumental for me and I am just in awe of how incredible and faithful God has been through everything that has been going on.
Last August (about the last time I wrote...oops) I went off to The University of Mary Hardin-Baylor. I was so nervous and anxious about going to a new place, not knowing anyone and being away from my family. When it was time for my family to leave, you would have thought that I was never going to see them again or that my favorite stuffed monkey was being brutally mutilated in front of my eyes. On the drive up to the campus I had the oldest of my little brothers in the car with me. He and I had tag team crying fits. RIDICULOUS! So, I cried on the drive up, I cried while my family helped me set up my room and I cried when they left. I then proceeded to cry for three more hours after they left. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be there. I desperately wanted to have the real college experience and to get away from community college. I wanted to be independent and live life for myself. It was still a scary prospect being alone. The first couple of months were hard. My boys drive me absolutely, positively, thoroughly CRAZY, but they were and are such an enormous part of my life. It was hard not being there to say prayers and kiss them goodnight. It took weeks for me to stop hearing little boy giggles or baby cries at night. Eventually I did get into a routine. I got my first real job at Walgreens, took some of the hardest classes I've taken thus far, and worked out religiously. I tried to keep my mind off of home and to keep occupied. One of God's promises to those who believe and follow Him is that He will never give us more than what we can handle. School and work and just life was very overwhelming. I was very busy and stressed out, but God got me through. Every time I wanted to give up, every time I thought that there was no hope and I was just too darn tired to care anymore, God would give me the strength to get through that day. When I thought I couldn't go anymore God would guide me and carry me through. It has always been a struggle for me to trust...whether it's people or even God himself, I have a hard time letting people in and letting myself be vulnerable. I worry about things that are beyond my control and I am anxious about the future. It is written, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus," Philippians 4:6-7. God put me in situations where I had no choice but to trust in him, and you know what? When I did trust, and I let go of all my fear and anxiety and just CRAP, things turned out far better than I could have ever planned for myself and I had peace!
The second semester was mush better for me as far as being homesick. I didn't get to go home very often because I worked every weekend, but my parents were really good about Skyping me and I called often. My mom sent me care packages and Isaiah, the nine year old, sent me cards and letters. I had a purpose at school and I got out of my shell more. God put incredible people in my path and I found such joy in being with them. I have been so blessed with the friendships that I have been able to form! I fell in love with Belton. I loved the weather, I loved the fact that downtown had an event for families in the park almost every weekend and I just loved the atmosphere. While on a run I found my dream house. I still talk about that house! GORGEOUSNESS! My walk and my relationship with my Savior continued to grow and I was maturing so much as a person. Looking back on where I was a year ago to where I am now is just astounding. I had a lot to be thankful for and I had a lot of firsts while at school. I fell in love with so many things.. and I got hurt. I made mistakes and failed miserably at life. Pain has a way of putting things into perspective for you. For a little while I chose to focus on my miserable failures and I allowed the Devil to parade my sins in front of my face. I wallowed in my guilt and regret and I couldn't bring myself to believe that my God, my Savior, my One True Love would still want me. How can someone so perfect and loving be concerned with a wretch like me? What did I ever do to deserve His favor? The answer....absolutely nothing! God woke me up one night and just smacked me in my face. He showed me Christ on the cross, he brought scripture to my mind:
"As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us"-Psalm 103:12
“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the Lord, “Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool." Isaiah 1:18
and so many others. When I focus on my guilt and my sin I take away from the amazing gift that Christ gave me on the cross. When I say that I am unlovable and unworthy, I am calling God a liar. God saved me, he changed and he made me white as snow. To say anything different is a slap in the face to my Maker. God is good! I have so much more to say, but I think I should be done for now.
I am obsessed with Matthew West's song
"Hello My Name Is." So I will leave you with some lyrics and I pray that
they touch you and change you as they have me.
I am no longer defined
By all the wreckage behind
The one who makes all things new
Has proven it's true
Just take a look at my life
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I've been saved, I've been changed, and I have been set free
"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
AMEN!!
