Me, Myself, The Israelite

I've been thinking about this for a long time, I just haven't gotten around to writing about it yet. My church has been reading through the bible since January, and to the best of my ability I have tried to keep up..Despite being in school and working and just life, I did pretty well! We are in week 28 right now.. more than half way done!! WHOOP WHOOP!

Anyways, we are reading through chronologically, so as you can well imagine we have been reading about the sheer STUPIDITY of the Israelite's for a long time...I mean months of hearing about how Israel turned away, got punished, God showed them mercy, they came back for a little while and then off they went again chasing this false god and bowing down to that idol. Come on really? How in the world can a people group be so blind? How can people who started off so strong be swayed by the most trivial things? I mean I know us women are fan-freaking-tastic, but come on Solomon did you really need 1,000?? My poor menfolk have to deal with Mom and I on a daily basis and sometimes that is just too much Estrogen!

It is so easy as a bystander to sit back and point my finger at this people group and judge them for walking away from God. Especially at the beginning when they ended up wandering the wilderness for 40 years because they didn't trust that the God who parted the Red Sea and provided food and protection for them everyday would deliver them into the land which He had set aside for them. They SAW the water part, and witnessed miraculous things, but they let their fear override reason and as a result they did not get to enter in. Like I said, as a third party I can see clearly their mistakes and judge them for it. I have been shown very clearly though that I am Israel. How many times has God manifested himself in my life in just awe-inspiring, amazing ways and in my next breathe I am expressing worry or fear? Every day I wake up, especially lately, and think about all of the things that I am scared of. Oh my goodness, my bank account is getting dangerously low, how am I supposed to survive when I go back to school?? Or my body is just not cooperating, what is going on?? Am I going to be able to do what I want to do or be who I want to be?? I allow Satan to throw my struggles and fears in my face and I try to fix everything myself and by my own strength. God is faithful and He has promised that as a child of God that He is ever mindful of my needs. Does freaking out about all of the things in life fix anything? Why do you think phrases like, fear not for I am with you get repeated over and over and over again in the Old Testament. Israel was frightened..there were so many uncertainties in their life, they were in a strange land surrounded by strange people and the natural human response was to freak out and as a result forget who's care they were in. THAT'S ME!!

Granted, I do think that the Israelites went a little far in their rebellion..I pray that I don't start worshiping a god who requires child sacrifice...but I know that I am just as moronic as they are when it comes to trying to achieve things myself and truly trust that God will take care of me. So far this summer I have had to trust that God knows what He's doing and truly rely on Him, which is how it should be. Everything has been going wrong, and my poor Mom has had to deal with many a breakdown, but after I calm down and I quit my little pity party I get a peace and I have full faith that ALL things work together for my good. Every month I have a bible verse that I make my theme and pray every morning, this month it's:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
^" And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

 This has certainly been relevant to my life lately. God is good, and I know that He has everything all figured out even though I don't, and you know what?? That's probably a much safer reality, the world would be a scary scary place if I had life figured out...
One last thought:
Sometimes pain's the only way that we can learn-Lyrics from Unspoken's Who You are

 

 

I'm such a terrible blogger!! AHH!!

  Once again it has been MONTHS since I've written. Honestly, it's been almost a year. I'M SUCH A TERRIBLE BLOGGER! That being said, this year has been monumental for me and I am just in awe of how incredible and faithful God has been through everything that has been going on.

  Last August (about the last time I wrote...oops) I went off to The University of Mary Hardin-Baylor. I was so nervous and anxious about going to a new place, not knowing anyone and being away from my family. When it was time for my family to leave, you would have thought that I was never going to see them again or that my favorite stuffed monkey was being brutally mutilated in front of my eyes. On the drive up to the campus I had the oldest of my little brothers in the car with me. He and I had tag team crying fits. RIDICULOUS! So, I cried on the drive up, I cried while my family helped me set up my room and I cried when they left. I then proceeded to cry for three more hours after they left. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be there. I desperately wanted to have the real college experience and to get away from community college. I wanted to be independent and live life for myself. It was still a scary prospect being alone. The first couple of months were hard. My boys drive me absolutely, positively, thoroughly CRAZY, but they were and are such an enormous part of my life. It was hard not being there to say prayers and kiss them goodnight. It took weeks for me to stop hearing little boy giggles or baby cries at night. Eventually I did get into a routine. I got my first real job at Walgreens, took some of the hardest classes I've taken thus far, and worked out religiously. I tried to keep my mind off of home and to keep occupied. One of God's promises to those who believe and follow Him is that He will never give us more than what we can handle. School and work and just life was very overwhelming. I was very busy and stressed out, but God got me through. Every time I wanted to give up, every time I thought that there was no hope and I was just too darn tired to care anymore, God would give me the strength to get through that day. When I thought I couldn't go anymore God would guide me and carry me through. It has always been a struggle for me to trust...whether it's people or even God himself, I have a hard time letting people in and letting myself be vulnerable. I worry about things that are beyond my control and I am anxious about the future. It is written,  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus," Philippians 4:6-7.  God put me in situations where I had no choice but to trust in him, and you know what? When I did trust, and I let go of all my fear and anxiety and just CRAP, things turned out far better than I could have ever planned for myself and I had peace!

The second semester was mush better for me as far as being homesick. I didn't get to go home very often because I worked every weekend, but my parents were really good about Skyping me and I called often. My mom sent me care packages and Isaiah, the nine year old, sent me cards and letters. I had a purpose at school and I got out of my shell more. God put incredible people in my path and I found such joy in being with them. I have been so blessed with the friendships that I have been able to form! I fell in love with Belton. I loved the weather, I loved the fact that downtown had an event for families in the park almost every weekend and I just loved the atmosphere. While on a run I found my dream house. I still talk about that house! GORGEOUSNESS! My walk and my relationship with my Savior continued to grow and I was maturing so much as a person. Looking back on where I was a year ago to where I am now is just astounding. I had a lot to be thankful for and I had a lot of firsts while at school. I fell in love with so many things.. and I got hurt. I made mistakes and failed miserably at life. Pain has a way of putting things into perspective for you. For a little while I chose to focus on my miserable failures and I allowed the Devil to parade my sins in front of my face. I wallowed in my guilt and regret and I couldn't bring myself to believe that my God, my Savior, my One True Love would still want me. How can someone so perfect and loving be concerned with a wretch like me? What did I ever do to deserve His favor? The answer....absolutely nothing! God woke me up one night and just smacked me in my face. He showed me Christ on the cross, he brought scripture to my mind:
"As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us"-Psalm 103:12
“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the Lord, “Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool." Isaiah 1:18
and so many others. When I focus on my guilt and my sin I take away from the amazing gift that Christ gave me on the cross. When I say that I am unlovable and unworthy, I am calling God a liar. God saved me, he changed and he made me white as snow. To say anything different is a slap in the face to my Maker. God is good! I have so much more to say, but I think I should be done for now.
I am obsessed with Matthew West's song "Hello My Name Is." So I will leave you with some lyrics and I pray that they touch you and change you as they have me.

I am no longer defined
By all the wreckage behind
The one who makes all things new
Has proven it's true
Just take a look at my life

Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I've been saved, I've been changed, and I have been set free
"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King

AMEN!!